Looking back at my blog posts over the past few months, it's been almost only dance events. That's not what I want my blog to be, I want the dance events and all the other things, but the truth is that in January and February, there wasn't much else going on! I didn't quite realise it until I went back home to Gothenburg for two weeks in March, but those first two months of the year were not a lot of fun. Well, to nuance it a bit: During my first months in the UK, I had wonderful, rich weekends, and bleak, boring weekdays. That's why there were so few photos and so few blog posts: I just didn't feel inspired, other than when we were away at dance weekends.
I found it harder than I had thought to create some sort of, well, life. I have people I would call friends in the city, but it's more difficult than I had anticipated to meet up with them, and most of the initiatives are mine (which I certainly don't blame anyone for - they all had perfectly rich, busy lives without me before I turned up, and I can't really demand of them to make space for me just because I decided to move to their city).
It's was odd to go back to Gothenburg and visit, too. You see, it's harder than I thought to stay in contact with people from home. I talk to some of my friends, but that only happens if I call them up. Most people I don't get around to calling at all, even though I want to. I, somewhat naively, was unprepared to do all the work of staying in touch (but I understand it, and I'm not resentful; people have busy lives and it's certainly easier to focus on what's right in front of you than what's far away; I'm not complaining, just telling you that there's been some mismatched expectations on my part). And then, going back there for two weeks in March, it was like my entire life started back up again, my calendar was full, everyone wanted to see me, everyone said they had missed me, and it felt like I had never left. It was ... weird. And now, in the UK, being the one who has to make everything happen - staying in contact with people at home, and forging new friendships here - it's tiring, it's taking its toll on me. It gets lonely.
Obviously, the life I've built for myself in Gothenburg is coulurful, rich and full, and I have so much going on there; I've had 34 years to build it, and it would be stupid to think my life in Manchester could be anywhere near it after just a few months. So in the past month, I've reframed things a bit. I don't need to create a "life" for me here - I'm only going to be here for three more months, after all, and time passes quickly. I don't need routines, necessarily. What I do need to do is make exciting, rewarding things happen, even if they only happen once, and never become part of my "everyday life" (whatever that is). (Dance weekenders are certainly part of that - they are fun and colourful and a lot - but they can't be the only thing that adds colour to my life. And dance weekenders are sometimes difficult, too!)
On my list of goals for my time here is "get to know this country". That's what I want to do now. Also on my list of goals (not just goals; this is my reason for being here at all) is "be with Liam", and that bit is bloody wonderful. Being with Liam is what makes everything worth it even when I'm feeling confused and lonely. Getting to spend this much time with him, and not have to do long distance anymore, is the best. He's my person. Everything is more doable, more exciting, safer and warmer because of him.
Also, spring. Spring helps. I forgot that I always struggle a bit in January and February, that those months are always dull and grey no matter which country I am in, and that I always feel less inspired and make fewer things happen at the start of the year. March was already easier, and more fun things happened. And now. Now it's spring. And I'm ready.
Kristian Kristensen | Du ga mæ viljestyrke
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